Liang.

Teoh Tee Liang.
I never know i would ever have this kind of relationship in my life. I don't even know this kind of relationship exist. I know i shouldn't have feelings for you, but sometimes its hard to control. I definitely know you will never have the same feelings for me but I'm stupid enough to continue this, to continue giving  you the power to destroy me.
Actually sometimes your merciless do hurt me a lot and I know you will never care about it, and that hurts me even more. I hate you slapping me to be honest, I never like you slap me, but if you like to do it that why not I just pretend like i do like it very much and so you can continue slapping me instead of other girls.... I love you dear...I know i don't even have the right to say this.. but that's all the reason why I'm still here, even you hurt me so much. All I want is to be able to be around you, and make you laugh. Sometimes nag you like a mother, or lau gai like a child.....
Sorry sometimes I'll forgot the fact and treat you as my boyfriend instead of as my master. I'm just a little girl that wanted to be loved so much. I'm sorry I can't stop having imagination for you and still hoping one day you might see me or maybe i can be your girlfriend, you started to treat me nicely, gently and handle me with care. Or maybe you can stop having so many other girls...but those do not matter at all... All i want is just you can meet your right person and she will take good care of you. You know you never know how to take care of yourself properly.
In fact, I never really know you as I don't think you have the interest to let me understand and get too close to you too, but I do remember every possible small details about you that I could get, you like guava, you don't eat much rice, you don't like green tea, you like mushroom like a kid, you are ambitious, you are horny, you are playful, you are also soft-hearted but never to me, you are a gentle person, never to me also....whatever... I like your smile the most, not those typical smile to take foto, but your smile when i did stupid or hilarious thing. And thats why, I'm so clumsy haha... clumsy enough to annoyed you and make you mad at me and slap me again... just to bet you might laugh. Be happy even when I'm not around.. I know you will make it so well, you will do so well even if i'm dead.
Sometimes I wonder, how am i exist, for you. How important am I... will you have a second of sadness if i break up with you? Or will you have some moments that you might miss me like i missed you. I would never dare to ask. I believe you won't bother to answer me also, instead i will just annoyed you.
Still I cant forgot the days when you keep messaging me. The days when we just started to know each other, I know i'm not a new toy anymore, and the interest is only reducing. But seriously, i missed you so much everyday, even a little message or phone call from you can enlighten my day make me sleep soundly or whatever. And one thing is like drugs, your voices in the phone are always so gentle, so so gentle until i fell for you again and again, every time i got your call. Even a simply what you are doing.... Everything is making harder for me to stay away from you.
Liang, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to love you so much. Maybe someday I might awake, and finally stop hoping, so I can just simply take care of you when you are sick and old. Or maybe I'm stupid enough to keep this relationship until i'm old and sick and you are not around anymore. Or maybe someday you will understand the love i had for you, it doesn't matter who that to make you realise it, and then you let me go, and then i found my one and got married and had kids. Marriage and having children, to have a home is always my dream. I still believe in that, believe in one day someone will cherish me and love me from the bottom of his heart, where my home is the place where he is. You will have your's too.
Liang liang, promise me you will be fine and happy. Take good care of yourself. I love you.
Thanks for the good and bad memories. I appreciated it.

30/7/2016||2325

耻感

爱里最痛的
是耻感。

 雨那样下 那样下
你的背影就那样走了很远很远
没有回头

然后我呆了
默默
把自己推到了那悬崖边
把自己羞辱了一遍又一遍

偶尔回头
问自己怎么把自己糟蹋成了整个样
但是又怎样
就是那样了

也许是一种赎罪

也许是愚蠢

也许我从来就不曾振作起来

还盼望着
什么

蠢

凭什么
凭什么那样被羞辱
凭什么那么放不下
凭什么就那样不爱了





凭什么

不放

又不爱






凭什么那样任意索取
利用感情





凭什么



凭什么还那样心甘地被利用
被糟蹋
被侮辱



他只是别人的男人


我








凭什么


30072016||2227

ta

那些回顾早已不想写
因为心还淌着血
那些不免的夜
多想拨你号码
告诉你我有多痛苦
在没有你世界

记得你说我再也不会被抛下
变成最痛也最甜的记忆
看着自己被赶出了家
我几经失去了自己
再也不懂如何自己照顾自己

就算每天笑得再灿烂
那些阴霾好像就是不会散

好想卑微祈求也许你可以回来
继续照顾这个傻逼
我什么都可以放弃
甚至连尊严我也可以不要
只要你回来

想你温暖的手
温柔的脸
温和语气

还有所有所有曾经许下的誓言

也许爱你就是不打扰
就算自己快要灭亡
所以还是静静的哭
电话没有打






四个月。我还活在你的影子里。

280716||1830

体谅

从小 爸爸在我心里就是那个总不遵守规则，那么豪放， 那么好玩的人，也许我的随性就是因为他的影响。从小他都陪着我们玩，我们好爱他，他也爱我们。慢慢长大，跟他发生了几次冲突，因为我们都火爆脾气，渐渐发现其实真的没有必要一直想让别人理解自己，明白自己，懂自己。只要你自己知道自己在干嘛，可以负起责任就不必和谁交代太多了。所以我逐渐停止让家人理解我的总总行为，然后随着时间，我也长大了，觉得其实让别人理解自己真不太重要，反而自己要去理解别人，体谅别人，为别人着想，很自然的所有都会变得美好。但因为那个时候不懂事，觉得老爸永远都不会明白我以后，随着老妹的问题，我逐渐不再太亲老爸了。直到今天，18年来，我第一次看见老爸他哭，哭得像小孩。原因是早上要出门工作前（撇开那些爱的亲亲不说）老婆竟然唠叨这个碗吃了没洗，可以每次吃了就洗碗吗之类的。。。老爸就发飙了，我从睡梦中醒来，走了下楼，爸爸蹲在门外，含着泪，妹妹站在门内，他们两个对望着，我呆了，看见老爸的眼泪，真的都呆了。十八年来，第一看见老爸的眼泪，第一次看他哭得像小孩。可想而知有多压力才会变成那样的。好心痛，真的。忽然爸爸就好像变老了，瘦了，憔悴了。看着他出门的背影，泪也跟着掉了下来。我要好好念书，努力念书，拿奖学金，然后找到好工作好工资，他们就不必那么辛苦了。。。加油。大家都加油。也偷偷地生妈妈的气，因为那么不体谅爸爸，但是他们的事咱小孩也别管那么多。偷偷下定了决心，千万不能像我老妈，想要成为一个能让老公舒心的老婆，但是首先我必须找到老公，傻。总之切记要学会体谅别人，在顾虑别人跟做自己之间尽量找到平衡点，大家都愉快。

160716||1105