L.O.S.T

I fuck myself and lost myself.....

I admit it that I'm lost.
Having Sartan teaching me how to become a human..

Can't see my future...
Did i have a future??

Sometimes its kind of miserable... Don't know what yourself are doing or what yourself are thinking.
Living like a slut. Yeah. SLUT. I miss them so much... Then, I become it.

People claiming me I'm not as smart as I think. However, I wish to say that I never think that I'm smart, neither important. I'm just a one small piece standing on the earth, breathing. What my knowledge are blocking my way so you want me to empty my cup? My cup never empty since I've born, neither full.
What inside the cup are just all my experience, everything others people gave me, knowledge, moral, fractures, wound and everything. The way i standing up from whatever I've fell down, it made me here. Having an extraordinary form of thinking. Always being an exception. That's me. It's GOD. God bring me here. So you what you want me to empty up my cup? From all those wounds? You think who did helped me when I'm in the bottom of the valley? Who did care about me when I fell down like a shit and having all severe fracture. Then, can't standing up fleeing happily like a small girl when I was ought to. I'm not request thing for these but God that brought me this. Forcing me to become stronger and stronger, telling me that people a alone. No one gonna helped, everything they can did is just stand beside and tell you run yourself, that's your road. So that's my wound, no one business... I just standing up myself, continue my journey, and learning by the way.  You want me empty up my cup and letting you put stuff inside? Girl, if everything of my cup is all about you, about your thoughts, then where's mine? So you are telling me that as a adolescent better don't have your own thoughts since everything you think is a wrong wrong unsuitable thing. People hear you as they haven't have there very own thought. Unfortunately, I've have it since I'm a small girl I can't fly anymore like others, just like a old lady walking slowing without any aim waiting to the death.

Maybe this aren't the worst I did encounter, maybe there's more more more brutal thing, cruelness that will make me fell down and hurt me seriously, but so what? It's my road, it's the God. I can't hide if God want me to face these. Everything i can did is just ready up myself to face whatever thing God wanted me to face. If I did empty up myself, what did I gonna take to face these? If there's aren't any thought of myself inside my cup, is it my cup again? Is it me me? Does myself are myself?

Maybe as you say I did proud enough of myself, but so what? I did nothing wrong, I stand straight enough letting me be proud of myself. Of course I'm not proud at my attitude, i know my attitude sucks. Not either my exam result or the result in the exercise matter. But my strength. I'm proud at it. The strength that faced every sad cases in my life by my own, the strength that I can deal with all the stupid matters of my wound-full heart (although that not work everytime), the strength i still can think matter positively with my broken heart. And the strength i can appreciate everything that hurted me, from the bottom of my heart. I did being thankful of everything. Thanks God. Thanks my dad, my mom, my aunts and uncle, my cousins, my friends, my teachers and everyone, eveything that hurted me before.

Hope that everything will be okay...  God, please, bless me.  Help me dealing in this problem. I need your help now.  Thank you so much all along :)

I hope I can find my future...

"You aren't 'find' your future, you create it."

Hope I could see my future...

- Alls'bout H.O.P.E -

200414‖1819

日子

很快的   第一个学期过了  展开了充实的第二学期  发生了很多  经历很多  希望也学习了很多   成绩也全部创新低  我的天  也许这就是所谓的高一吧  虽然有点不甘心  但还是无奈的接受了  不接受我还能干嘛  加油吧   未来的第二次统一考  
然后是亲爱的婷李分手了  我很爱她   看她这样一个纯真少女   变成一个内心有道伤痕  脸上少了那份童真   对爱情不再有那天真烂漫的憧憬的女孩  我深表同情  与哀痛  对那道德的沦亡更是深表愤怒  个人看法是其实就是珍惜身边每一个人  包括伤害你的人   生活  痛过  哭过  快乐过  不需遗忘  不需遗憾  那是过去  是你的一部分  是上天赐予你独一无二的礼物  是你的曾经  是你  你一直问我  为什么会是你   我想说  就是你   是上天给与你的一个考验  一个让你成长的礼物  你人生路的其中一座山  过去了便是海阔天空  女孩  感情里真的没有谁对  谁错  只有适合  与不适合  千万别自责  更不要对自己失去信心  也不要丧失信任别人与相信爱情的能力  那是上天赐予我们其中之一的最珍贵的礼物  
然后是那个让我很无奈的残芽  我很喜欢他没错  但就是不能和他一起  一个纯真的男孩  充满稚气的脸  我不会让那稚气消失在我手里  恕我太过自私  看着婷李的改变我更加无法坦然的接受  即便我也很想痛快的拥抱你   虽然这只是其中一个原因  更大部分的是  你很害羞  属于被动的男孩  经典的壮壮的小受   受中的受  我可是一个外表很攻的受啊  说到底  我还是一个受   两个干成这样的人在一起  会干燥的无可奈何   可霸道一点  有主见一点   大方一点   我明白自己  也不明白自己  可更多时候是希望你能把我看清  看见我看不见的自己   好吧我明白可能太深奥了   我还是躲在墙角顾自地发梦好了     很快的你会像你自己所说的停止梦醒再放开  我会像其他被你单恋的女孩一样被抛开被遗忘   想说的是被你放在心里我不再寒冷  因为始终感觉到你的体温  就算明知总有一天你会让我滚  寒冷会在来袭  不过真的谢谢你   谢谢你让我住了一阵子   我可以想象被你抛开以后的那犯贱的自己  I haven't love you enough to left you alone... Anyway 我终究必须面对现实...
对于自己的堕落我已无可奈何   不干那档事不顾指甲清洁  没功课就死看腐漫   得空就读耽美   空虚就往网上逛   没事发呆   虚度光阴  已不再深思  甚少写诗  更不在反省己过   很快我会比烂泥还不如   变成惹人厌恶的尘土   不负责任   像丧尸  社会的寄生虫    天   自己看到的自己的未来竟然是这等黑暗   谁能救我  没有    小朋友  你要觉醒   只有你自己才能救自己啊   千万  千万  不能放弃自己  女孩   加油吧   就算放荡   也不能堕落   要做个好人   有用的人  即便是个放荡的有用的好人也好.....这是我对你的最低要求了...  好好念书   要好好的哦   要开心   要快乐   要努力哦   用心生活   生活！！！
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