L.O.S.T

I fuck myself and lost myself.....

I admit it that I'm lost.
Having Sartan teaching me how to become a human..

Can't see my future...
Did i have a future??

Sometimes its kind of miserable... Don't know what yourself are doing or what yourself are thinking.
Living like a slut. Yeah. SLUT. I miss them so much... Then, I become it.

People claiming me I'm not as smart as I think. However, I wish to say that I never think that I'm smart, neither important. I'm just a one small piece standing on the earth, breathing. What my knowledge are blocking my way so you want me to empty my cup? My cup never empty since I've born, neither full.
What inside the cup are just all my experience, everything others people gave me, knowledge, moral, fractures, wound and everything. The way i standing up from whatever I've fell down, it made me here. Having an extraordinary form of thinking. Always being an exception. That's me. It's GOD. God bring me here. So you what you want me to empty up my cup? From all those wounds? You think who did helped me when I'm in the bottom of the valley? Who did care about me when I fell down like a shit and having all severe fracture. Then, can't standing up fleeing happily like a small girl when I was ought to. I'm not request thing for these but God that brought me this. Forcing me to become stronger and stronger, telling me that people a alone. No one gonna helped, everything they can did is just stand beside and tell you run yourself, that's your road. So that's my wound, no one business... I just standing up myself, continue my journey, and learning by the way.  You want me empty up my cup and letting you put stuff inside? Girl, if everything of my cup is all about you, about your thoughts, then where's mine? So you are telling me that as a adolescent better don't have your own thoughts since everything you think is a wrong wrong unsuitable thing. People hear you as they haven't have there very own thought. Unfortunately, I've have it since I'm a small girl I can't fly anymore like others, just like a old lady walking slowing without any aim waiting to the death.

Maybe this aren't the worst I did encounter, maybe there's more more more brutal thing, cruelness that will make me fell down and hurt me seriously, but so what? It's my road, it's the God. I can't hide if God want me to face these. Everything i can did is just ready up myself to face whatever thing God wanted me to face. If I did empty up myself, what did I gonna take to face these? If there's aren't any thought of myself inside my cup, is it my cup again? Is it me me? Does myself are myself?

Maybe as you say I did proud enough of myself, but so what? I did nothing wrong, I stand straight enough letting me be proud of myself. Of course I'm not proud at my attitude, i know my attitude sucks. Not either my exam result or the result in the exercise matter. But my strength. I'm proud at it. The strength that faced every sad cases in my life by my own, the strength that I can deal with all the stupid matters of my wound-full heart (although that not work everytime), the strength i still can think matter positively with my broken heart. And the strength i can appreciate everything that hurted me, from the bottom of my heart. I did being thankful of everything. Thanks God. Thanks my dad, my mom, my aunts and uncle, my cousins, my friends, my teachers and everyone, eveything that hurted me before.

Hope that everything will be okay...  God, please, bless me.  Help me dealing in this problem. I need your help now.  Thank you so much all along :)

I hope I can find my future...

"You aren't 'find' your future, you create it."

Hope I could see my future...

- Alls'bout H.O.P.E -

200414‖1819